OUR COMMON JOURNEY….
We are a woman and man, each married, but not to each other. Together with our spouses, we have endured countless infertility treatments and multiple miscarriages. We have spent large sums of money and many years focused on becoming parents. Our memories of procreation do not include a rainy afternoon spent in a hotel room on a caribean vacation or a random evening after work and a couple of glasses of wine. We cherish the romantic and spontaneous intimacy we have had with our mates, but it never resulted in making a baby. Instead there were shots, the endless appointments, and so much waiting. Despite having come out on the other side, we recognize the toll infertility took on our lives. We are here to say out loud what a tumultuous, confusing and lonely time it can be. We are here to validate the crazy innate desire to reproduce and be transformed from a couple to a family.
A WOMAN’S PERSPECTIVE….
I always knew I wanted children, even before I qualified. I did not however consider having a family to be the first priority. Everything in our culture told me that as a woman becoming economically and emotionally independent was the key to happiness. It seems most of my contempories had internalized similar messages. So of course I went to college, travelled, fell in and out of love, started and grew my own company and then my twenties was gone. By the time my husband and I were married I was 32 years old. By then, the desire to bear children had become palable. I announced to to my mother-in -law, that we were starting a family right away. As I expounded on my plans (this was a month after we had gotten married) to sell my business and settle immediately into the a blissful state of domesticity, she, told me not to assume I would get pregnant right away. I told her all the women in my family had gotten pregnant at the drop the drop of a hat. I did not think about how all these women were in their early twenties, nor did I register the warning that it had taken years for my husband’s parents to produce their children. My daughter was born 7 and half years later, from the womb of another woman. For years I keep my life together, finding alternative ways to measure progress in life: graduate school, renovated houses, inspiring friendships, but as the months and years passed, I started to unravel. The failure was unspeakable, it was unimaginable.
A MAN”S PERSPECTIVE…
On paper we were perfect; the quintessential “American Dream.” We had overcome our humble beginnings and were well on our way to doing it our way. Successful careers, financially stable, the house, dog, and it all felt like it was coming together. When we made the decision to stop preventing a child from coming into the world, we assumed it would happen. When it didn’t, we just tried harder. After about a year, my wife’s gynecologist referred us to a fertility specialist. Thus began our quest for a family and the loss of each other. It seemed that all of our hard work and effort put forth in building our life together was becoming inconsequential because of our lack of ability to satisfy one of the most basic primal needs, to create a family. We endured, my wife much more than myself. We suffered; mostly separate; mostly alone. I had no idea how to deal with the unbridled torrent of emotions we faced as a couple. I knew I needed to support my wife, but could barely navigate the process myself. It was a very destructive time in our marriage, but after an unexplainable unwillingness to quit, empty bank accounts, countless procedures, we were pregnant. Years later, as if the torture hadn’t been enough (the process, not the baby), we decided to try again. Fortunately, I was able do it differently. The combination of practice, time, and having a child, I took steps to make it easier. I had no role in the science, more so in the journey. It wasn’t until working on this venture and the passing of years have I realized the magnitude of what we have endured.
WHY ARE WE HERE...
Our goal is not to feed into the sensationalism and discourse which is frankly overdone, rather focus on the raw truth that is our own with the hopes that it may be helpful to others in whatever path they choose while coping with infertility. We have distinct views and experiences and have shared them from our own “his” and “hers” perspective. What could we possibly share with you that would lighten your load on this journey? Everyone’s diagnosis is different. Many times there are layers of issues, some of them shared and unfortunately, many of them endured alone. By the time couples are labeled or are cognizant that they are facing infertility, by definition, the time it takes most couples to get pregnant has already passed. Even so, infertility is a shocking and misunderstood diagnosis. It takes time to accept. It takes takes time and diligence to understand the treatments available. And for all but the twenty year olds reading this, time is your enemy.
We are here to articulate, to “say out loud” if you will, the thoughts and emotions that we once thought unspeakable. We have found that the feelings and experiences that we harbored and protected in solitude made our journeys much more arduous. We wish someone had explained to us that this might be a marathon. You have to take care of yourself and your partner. Try to keep enjoyiing your life, because this is your precious time. This is your life.
A RESOURCE FOR PATIENTS…
In addition to our own views and candor, we have attempted to provide factual information and published patient resources that may prove beneficial to patients regardless of where they find themselves in the realm of infertility. The Directory provides a venue for professionals to who they are and what they offer in terms of communicated needs of patients. Choosing a physician and treatment plan that meets your needs as a patient is paramount. It is our hope, that you leave this site empowered.